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Scott
Scott,
The first important
point for you to recognize is that almost every person you’ve ever met
has had this fear at one time or another in their life. Fear of
rejection is one of the most basic human fears. Until a person learns
some skills to lessen their anxiety and communicate confidently, this
nervousness will continue.
You don’t mention
your age, but many people learn these opposite sex social skills as a
teenager. By enduring the awkward teenage social scene many people, in a
series of hit and miss episodes, discover how to relate to the opposite
sex in a meaningful, confident manner. Of course, the story is different
for others. If you’re having trouble expressing yourself as you’d like,
I can offer a few suggestions that may help.
Focus on the other
person
When meeting someone
for the first time, especially someone with whom you may have a romantic
interest, it’s common to focus on how you look, how you
sound, how you portray yourself. This is what is called “Being
Self-Conscious.” It causes you to second guess every word you say. It
virtually forces you to stop being your natural self and become a
cautious self-analyzer.
The key to
overcoming this problem is to recognize it and make a purposeful effort
to control it. When you meet someone, take a moment to focus on them. If
you’re taking a woman out for the first time, spend the first few
minutes together noticing the details of her appearance. Notice her
hair, the tone of her voice, the way she smiles. You can do these things
in a casual way.
By putting your
focus and attention on her you will become less self-conscious.
Become a first rate
listener
This suggestion may
not help you overcome your anxiety, but it will lessen how nervous and
awkward you seem to be. You see, Scott, people like to be around those
who make them feel good about themselves. If you become an attentive,
active listener, you’ll learn about the other person in great detail.
This will give you plenty of information to discuss in the course of
your evening together. It also lets you react to her insights and
opinions, which takes the pressure away from your conversation skills.
By asking questions
and giving her room to open up and share her thoughts and feelings,
you’ll also be communicating that you value her and enjoy listening to
her. These are very rare and important traits. Once you can make a
person feel valued and thoroughly understood, you will have mastered a
key to personal relations. I believe that after you’ve practiced this
approach several times, you will begin to discover a new and significant
inner peace and confidence.
Control Your Fear of
Rejection
This, you may say,
seems the hardest of them all. But fear of rejection is usually
determined by the perceived importance of the person we’re approaching.
For example, you may get on an elevator and at the next floor a 70 year
old grandmother joins you. I’m willing to bet that if she says “Hello,”
you’ll have no trouble striking up a light conversation as you reach the
lobby. See, your brain doesn’t sense that there is anything at stake in
that encounter and your anxiety remains low.
Now replay the
situation, instead of a 70 year old getting on the elevator, this time
it’s an extremely attractive and apparently single young lady. She says,
“Hello.” What do you do?
I believe that the
key to keeping your fear in check in the second scenario is telling
yourself that regardless of this encounter, you will eventually prevail.
Or, as the old adage goes, “there are lots of fish in the sea.” Sure
you’d like to ask this attractive woman out. You’re going to spend the
few minutes you have focusing on her, asking her a question or two and
listening to her answers, but if she isn’t interested, that’s just fine.
You will certainly meet someone else.
Scott, this mental
state will lessen the importance of THIS PARTICULAR MOMENT. Remove the
pressure. Minimize the anxiety and fear. I’m confident that over time
you’ll become more at ease with yourself and women of all ages and
types. | 
