| Norma,
I am reminded of the study we conducted at eHarmony.com that examined two
hundred couples who had "highly successful" marriages. We found that there
are twenty-nine characteristics-including religious values, ambition, and
energy level-that determine a couple's "compatibility quotient." If a man
and a woman match on a preponderance of the characteristics, it's highly
likely that they will have a terrific marriage.
Let's consider a man who is 40 years old. Out of all the women in the
world, there must be at least five hundred with whom he would match on all
twenty-nine items. And there are probably thousands more he would match with
on, say, twenty-six or twenty-seven items and still be quite satisfied.
Norma, I believe soul mates are made, not born. You start with the
ingredients for a highly compatible, successful relationship and then you
work to develop closeness and intimacy. Does this mean you lower your
standards when it comes to finding a partner? Absolutely not! It simply
means you "expand your field of vision."
My best explanation for "expanding your field of vision" is contained
within my book "How
to Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less". Many times
the person who is excellent soul mate material will be a diamond in the
rough. They may not look like you're dream mate. They may not have the
trappings that you've envisioned in your mind. To mine these diamonds you
must become skilled at assessing the important qualities regardless of the
packaging. Take some time to focus on the ten traits you MUST HAVE in a
mate. This exercise won't be easy, but it is vital to develop a short,
tight list of traits that you absolutely must have from any relationship
partner. Then spend any equal period of time listing the ten traits you
can't stand in a partner. Be detailed. Be strict. But you are allowed no
more than ten.
This list of twenty traits is what you will use to help uncover your soul
mate. The next time you are considering a relationship with a gentleman,
begin with your list. A person who fits into your list perfectly is worthy
of serious reflection from you, even if they aren't your "type." Chemistry
is certainly a part of any relationship, but take care to put important
things first. Before you become infatuated or enthralled with your date's
looks, consider what he is like inside. In the long run, it will certainly
be what matters most.
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