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You can get to know someone over the
phone and Internet, but I feel there are too many gaps that can only be
filled by face to face interaction; and over an extended period. We are
very attracted to each other and feel we are compatible, but how do you
relocate across the country for a "maybe?”
--Brent
Brent,
This is indeed an important question.
For many years I have emphasized that long distance
couples need to take some determined and comprehensive steps before
making a commitment of any kind.
My first suggestion is that you create as many opportunities
as possible for face to face interaction before either of you move. You
are correct, the phone and Internet work well to keep in touch, but
eventually it’s vital that you spend hours and hours of time together
just being in the same place, the same part of the country. There’s
really no other effective way to determine if you are truly compatible.
Second, I suggest that you visit each other under as many
different circumstances as you possibly can. Limiting your visits to
romantic weekends or holidays creates a false sense of experience
together. It’s easy to come away from 5 romantic weekends convinced that
your partner is loving, kind, attentive and adaptable. Of course, your
range of knowledge about the person is shallow because you’ve never seen
this person after a hard day of work, stuck in a traffic jam, furious at
you because you were late, or enduring a crushing disappointment.
You must find a way to gather a broad range of knowledge
about this person before pulling up your roots and moving. It may seem
strange to travel across the country to try and witness your girlfriend
while she goes about her everyday life, but I believe it is vital if
your relationship is to have a chance to become a brilliant one.
Lastly, you must come to terms with the risk involved in
your relationship. At some point, before you marry, one of you is going
to have to pack up and move across the country. This should be done
BEFORE there is intent to marry and certainly before there is an
engagement.
If you have set the wheels in motion to marry and the move
is just a prelim step in that direction, the momentum of the wedding may
make it hard for one or both of you to say, “Wait, this doesn’t feel
right.” You risk making a grave mistake. You need to spend time early in
your long distance relationship discussing how this move would happen if
the relationship were to continue.
Obviously Brent, the broad question you ask, “How much
time?” is impossible to answer without knowing you and your circumstance
personally. But my best answer is that you should wait as long as you
can afford to wait and gather as much information from as many different
circumstances as you can before you propose marriage. Whatever decision
you reach with this particular person, I think that the caution and
contemplation that you use at this stage of the marriage making process
will serve you well throughout the rest of your life. | 
