|
We've all heard it over and over again. "If you want to find a great
relationship, look for an opposite." Is that really the best approach? How can
someone who has a different set of values, attitudes and hobbies be so
attractive?
People who are dramatically different from us are often the most attractive.
This comes from a common sense approach to social relationships. Our lives are
usually enriched by connections to others who have abilities that we don't have.
Unfortunately, applying this lesson to our romantic pursuits is often a recipe
for disaster.
"If the qualities that attract you to someone are different from your own, be
cautious," says Dr. Neil Clark Warren, clinical psychologist and author of "Date
or Soul Mate? How To Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates Or Less." He
points out that, while opposites often attract, they also usually drive each
other crazy over the long haul. Dr. Warren's three decades of counseling married
couples has led him to make "finding someone similar to you" one of the pillars
of his relationship advice." I don't discount how hard it is to find someone who
is a lot like you. It has always been difficult, and it's become even more so as
diversity increases. But when two people come from similar backgrounds, they
operate from a position of strength. Their relationship is made significantly
easier by all the customs and practices they have in common."
Forging a relationship with an opposite is so hard because every difference
you have requires negotiation and adaptation. Accommodation and compromise will
necessitate plenty of change. This change creates a kind of stress, and
according to Dr. Warren, "If there are too many differences, you may not be able
to survive all the strain involved in adapting to each other."
What sorts of differences cause the most trouble? When considering whether a
particular person is a good relationship candidate for you, look to four
specific areas:
Energy Level - If she likes to go dancing three times a week and he loves to
relax on the couch most nights - look out.
Personal Habits - This includes punctuality, cleanliness, weight management,
and smoking.
Use of Money - When one person wants to save for the future and the other is
eager to spend and enjoy life NOW, the conflict can be deadly to a relationship.
Verbal Skills and Interests - If one person is dying for more conversation
and the other wants more piece and quiet, there is a lot of stress.
Having considered all these points there is one personality trait that can
mitigate the danger of a relationship between opposites. Dr. Warren calls it
'flexibility'. "This flexibility allows people to consider the differences,
evaluate them, propose alternative solutions, and then resolve them. Of course,
it is vital that two people be willing to compromise. When one partner bends and
flexes every time, the relationship becomes unbalanced and 'out of whack.'"
So, next time you're feeling that tug of attraction to someone you know is
drastically different than you, take a second look.
Professor J. Phillippe Rushton
of The University of Western Ontario, in his study on differences and
marital happiness, put it this way: "One of the most important principles to
follow in choosing a mate revolves around a highly established reality; stable
and satisfying marriages usually involve two people who are very much alike." | 
